


we're such a mess together

by rainbowrabblerouser



Series: written because I'm lonely, melancholic, gay, yearning, aching, and pining and– [17]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Apologies, First Kiss, Getting Back Together, Graduation, I project onto Jared, I'm graduating and this could have happened to me but it DIDN'T, Inspired by Real Events, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Out, Making Up, Post-Canon, Weezer references, just at the beginning, well kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:48:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24590305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowrabblerouser/pseuds/rainbowrabblerouser
Summary: What if Jared and Evan saw each other after graduation?
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman
Series: written because I'm lonely, melancholic, gay, yearning, aching, and pining and– [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1712041
Comments: 5
Kudos: 60





	we're such a mess together

**Author's Note:**

> title from "Using You" - Mars Argo

“Nice cap.”

Fuck. 

Jared had forgotten that Evan was his family-friend first and his (ex) friend second. So there he was–at his family and Evan’s family’s graduation party– feeling really fucking stupid for being surprised that Evan’s even talking to him. Especially after the last thing that Jared had said to him was “Fuck you, Evan! Asshole!” 

That was a while ago, but Jared knew that seeing each other was salt in the wound. He still thought about him all the damn time: hoping he’s taking his meds on time, wishing he’d notice him in the halls, regretting not admitting how he really felt about him, yearning for a different time.

He was a hopeless case of “lonely gay who falls for childhood friend” and it was getting terminal. It was a lost cause, but Jared was still in love with Evan despite everything he had done with him. All of the lying and hiding didn’t help his case at all, but he had no choice since Evan was obviously too oblivious and not interested in him. There was no point in still harboring feelings for him, but it’s not like Jared could just delete them like they were just lines of code.

But it was just a compile-time error. From the get-go, something was wrong. Whereas, if this were a runtime error, the problem would arise while the whole ordeal unfolded. But he could only dream of that. Some alternate universe in which Zoe Murphy’s brother hadn’t killed himself and Evan Hansen was his best friend for normal reasons. And Jared Kleinman would just be himself and not some warped, lovesick, melancholic version that doesn’t feel anything but disdain for the concept of new relationships with other people.

Why doesn’t he just ignore Evan and pretend someone is calling him? Or better yet, release his anger and tell Evan to fuck off again, leave him alone forever, but not without cursing him out for breaking his heart.

“Thanks, Ev-an,” he almost calls him by his nickname that he had given him when they were kids, but he decides to exaggerate the last syllable to convey that he’s not being friendly. He gives Evan a half-smile as he looks him up and down. Evan looked much better than the last time he saw him. He didn’t have circles under his eyes and he was standing up straight. That meant he was taking his meds on time. Jared wondered if he was using that Star Wars pill organizer that he had gotten him.

“How are you, Jare-d?” Evan almost slipped up and called him by his nickname, but he caught himself just in time. “Congrats. Your cap is really creative. Mine’s just a tree with–”

“–an acorn!” Jared bites back a laugh as he realizes that Evan had remembered what he had called him. That felt like ages ago. Maybe Evan still thought of him from time to time too, not as much as Jared thought of Evan, but still...something. It gave Jared a rush in his chest that he didn’t understand. His face heated up a bit, betraying his “chill” facade that always seemed to fall when Evan was around. 

“Haha, yeah,” Evan chuckled awkwardly. “Your Weezer cap is great! Your favorite album!” 

Jared’s face heated up some more. He still remembered how much he loved the Blue Album. His cap said “achiever” in the top right corner, the bottom lined with a photo of Jared from each of the four years of high school– lined up like Weezer was. Of course, his cap was a meme. 

“Thanks,” Jared mumbled as he met Evan’s gaze and they maintained eye contact. “So...come here often?” He tried to break the ice with a joke, and it worked since Evan was smiling and saying “This is my house down the street from yours!” in between snickers.

A grin tugged on Jared’s lips as he followed Evan and they went outside to be alone together– what they usually did during family friend parties since they were the only ones their age.

“What have you been up to lately?” Evan starts as they sit on the swings in the neighborhood playground. It’s a small little space, but Jared still liked being there. He used to go there all the time during junior year when he needed some time to think alone. He had gone there with Evan a lot during senior year. Just to watch the sunset and talk about things he’d rather not talk about in Evan’s nor his house since their parents were there around dinnertime.

“Mostly lookin’ for internships, probably gonna start doing little jobs for companies who need someone to maintain their websites or make graphics, y’know, the boring stuff no one wants to do,” Jared says absentmindedly as he swings. The old chains creak, but the noise doesn’t hurt his ears. He can hear Evan sigh next to him. “What about you, Hansen? What lies in store on your noble quest?”

“Probably getting a job over the summer. Then, starting up summer classes...because there are fewer people and it’ll get me ready for fall…” Evan’s voice drifts off as he starts swinging a little bit. The creaking fills the silence for a moment.

Jared thinks to himself how ridiculous this probably looked. Two teenagers in their graduation gowns, cords and all (but caps off), swinging in a tot lot as the sun began to set. Like some scene out of a teen coming-of-age rom-com. 

Another moment passes as they stare out at the clouds drifting by and they keep swinging, then Evan breaks the silence. “I...uh...really missed you, Jare. I’m really sorry about everything. I was awful to you, and I regret how we left things.”

Evan puts a foot down to halt his swinging and Jared follows suit. He’s looking at Jared with pleading eyes and Jared curses himself for getting that rush of warmth in his chest again. Only Evan could make him feel like that. Like he was the only one in the world who could see him be completely vulnerable. And he guessed that made Evan his person to be totally open with...and he’s not sure he can even try to convince himself that it’s not true.

Jared just meets his gaze and holds it. He takes his glasses off and flips them to rest on top of his head like a headband, an instinctual action that he did when he felt comfortable in a relaxed position. Evan’s a few inches away, leaning to his right so that he’s closer to him.

“You mean it? Really?” Jared’s voice softens, lacking its usual bite and snark, now just in that light tone reserved only for Evan and Evan only. “I...missed you...too, Ev. It’s been a lonely few months, I’ll admit. I couldn’t really enjoy the last part of high school without my only friend.”

Evan raises an eyebrow, then his expression softens, “Me too.”

They linger for a moment, taking in the admission of defeat and loneliness. It’s all too vulnerable and Jared feels like he could shatter any second now. Evan’s already shattered, tearing up a little as he stares back at Jared. He can feel the pain in his chest as he finally chokes back a sob and he gets out of the swing to embrace Evan, who’s already one step ahead of him.

“Of course, I meant it, Jare,” Evan mumbles into his neck, holding him tighter, burying his face in Jared’s neck and enveloping him in his warmth. “All I really wanted was to be close to you...and I was too stupid to realize it. I’ve missed you all this time.”

Jared closes his eyes and holds on. “You need to stop crying because if you start crying then I’m gonna start crying, and you’re gonna start crying even harder!” 

He can feel Evan chuckle and then cry even harder. Oh, he just made it worse.

They pull away for a second and Jared leans in and kisses Evan on the cheek, then reels back, looking around nervously. “I’m sorry–”

“No! Don’t be!” Evan pulls him close and whispers, “Don’t be a pussy, right, Jared?”

And Jared is dumbfounded. Now, this was a runtime error. 

Then, before he knows it, Evan’s kissing him and he’s kissing him back. He hadn’t expected Evan to be a rough kisser, but then again, Evan Hansen was full of surprises. He puts a hand on Evan’s neck to deepen the kiss and he just enjoys the feeling, accepting the warmth in his heart and the rush through his body.

It was electrifying. Jared couldn’t believe it. Evan kissed him! He made the first move! After knowing him and crushing on him his whole life, Jared wasn’t even the one to initiate anything! Well, he did kiss his face, but that was nothing compared to them full-on making out after graduation! In a fucking playground. What the fuck.

Evan’s kisses are rough and deep and Jared can’t help but swoon as he feels Evan’s hands on his waist. When did Evan become so smooth? How?

They kiss for a while, just until the last light of day slips away into the horizon. 

“Do you wanna go to my place and stay the night? Watch a movie?” Jared says when they finally pull away and his hand rests on Evan’s neck.

“Like a sleepover? Like we used to?” Evan looks at him with big eyes as if he’s surprised that Jared still wants him when they literally have been making out for quite some time.

“Whatever you want to call it, Ev,” Jared kisses his cheek and Evan leans into his touch. “You’re such a dork, ugh, I can’t believe I love you in the worst way.”

Fuck.

Jared tries to pull away and run from what he just said, but Evan’s hands are on his, pulling him back, securing Jared in his place. He just sighs as Evan holds him.

“Hey, don’t panic, Jare,” Evan whispers. “I love you just as much...do you need a paper bag? You’re having a considerably hard time breathing….”

Damn, Evan really hung off every word he said to remember that still.

“Come on, let’s have a sleepover,” Jared grumbles, feeling kind of flustered by Evan’s casualness and way of making his heart race. “I still have some things of yours in my room that you left behind.”

“I still have your Avengers hoodie. I, uh, never gave it back, and I kind of...wear it to sleep,” Evan mumbles. Jared can barely see him since it’s getting dark, but he knows he’s blushing. “It’s my favorite thing.”

“God, you’re adorable,” Jared muttered under his breath. He cleared his throat and tried to regain his cool. He did not. Evan kisses him again and takes his hand as Jared leads the way to his house. Ev, wanna watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl and kiss during the scary parts?”

“You wanna kiss during the whole movie?” 

“Don’t be a pussy,” Jared jokes, but without the usual venom in his sardonic voice.

“Well, you’re a dick!” Evan spits back, but it sounds more cute than menacing.

“But I’m your dick!”

“Shut up, Jared.”

“Make me, Hansen.”

And he did. With a sweet kiss. 

They walk through the dark neighborhood, but neither of them is scared. Not of the dark. Not of the future. Not of anything. Because they’re together and that’s all that matters to them. 

**Author's Note:**

> Jared's Weezer grad cap is based off my real one bc I'm graduating this year and made my cap my own Blue Album lol lmk if you wanna see it message me on 
> 
> tumblr @ rainbowrabblerouser


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